September 14, 2012
Bernanke Announces Plan to Boost Economy by Purchasing Everyone at the Fed an iPhone 5

The Federal Reserve ended months of speculation yesterday by announcing that it will intervene to boost the flagging economy, by purchasing every Federal Reserve employee an iPhone 5.

Staring at his laptop throughout a press conference, the normally stoic Bernanke seemed energized. “Oh, man, this is gonna be so sweet,” he remarked, without looking up. “Panoramic camera, new earbuds, bigger screen. New operating system — eh, they say that, but it’s always basically the same.”

Still absorbed in his laptop, Bernanke ignored several reporters’ questions until finally bursting out with, “This guy’s doing ok, but he’s not Steve. I mean, come on, untucked shirt and jeans? What a shlub. At least get the shirt tailored.”

The Fed’s surprise iPhone plan arose organically from office policy discussions. “At first it was just gonna be a few of us, but word got around, so now it’s whoever wants. We try to be fair. The last thing we need is another TI-83 debacle.”

Bernanke was reluctant to share further details, but stated that the Fed planned an initial purchase of approximately two dozen iPhones: “probably like 25.”

But will buying a few iPhones really stimulate the economy?

“Sure, probably. I don’t know. Couldn’t hurt, right?”  Bernanke added, looking up for the first time, “You guys know this stuff is mostly mumbo jumbo, right? I mean, I’m basically a weatherman with a pHd.”  

Asked whether the Fed might also pursue a policy of quantitative easing, Bernanke was amenable: “Oh, yeah, we’ll probably do that, too,” he explained.

The Fed will revisit their stuff-buying policy later this year, when Apple releases the iPad mini.

September 11, 2012
Romney Vows to Keep God on Coins, Solve Other Non-Existent Problems

Mitt Romney told a crowd on the campaign trail this week that as president, he would keep the word “God” on American coins, a surprising announcement, considering that no one had suggested removing it. This followed Romney’s endorsement of numerous Republican-backed state voter ID laws, enacted to address a voter fraud crisis that, by all accounts, does not exist.

Romney’s decision to focus on non-existent issues is a calculated choice, says Romney campaign spokesperson Trey Archer III.

“There are huge, complicated, deeply rooted problems facing this country, and frankly, we don’t know how to fix them. That’s why, in the coming weeks, Governor Romney will be rolling out his Preemptive Governance Initiative, a comprehensive program to solve problems that don’t exist — yet.”

Asked if this philosophy was borrowed from George W. Bush’s doctrine of preemptive warfare, Archer responded, “No no no. I mean, yeah, but, you know — no.”

Whatever the inspiration, Romney has spent the past several days on the campaign trail unveiling a series of preemptive initiatives, to mixed results.

“We need increased security in our nation’s zoos, to prevent terrorists from stealing the animals’ poop!” Romney thundered, earning a puzzled response.

But he won back the crowd a minute later by declaring that, “The time has come to get tough with Portugal! America will not be pushed around by President … Gonzales, I think his name is!” 

Shouting over the applause, Romney added, “Or Prime Minister, whatever they have there!”

Archer says this preemptive approach builds on Romney’s business experience. “When Governor Romney was at Bain Capital, he greatly reduced job related injuries among American workers. How? By moving factories overseas. Americans can’t be injured if Americans aren’t working. You anticipate the problem, and you solve it.”

It remains to be seen if Americans will vote on a slate of non-existent issues, while ignoring the issues that we actually have. In the meantime, expect Romney to announce his anti-bat swarm initiative, the Clear Chimneys Program, early next week. 

September 10, 2012
Disappointing Jobs Report Bad News for People Trying to Complain About Their Jobs

A new report showing anemic national job growth is bad news for job seekers, but may be worse news for those who hate their jobs and cannot complain for fear of sounding ungrateful.  

A 30 year old sales manager in Phoenix, waiting in the lunch line at a taco truck, stared at the distance through his sunglasses. “I used to get pissed off at people who would say, ‘I can’t complain.’ What do you mean, you can’t complain? Sure you can! But I get it now. You literally CAN’T complain — they won’t let you.”

At a 6:30 happy hour in a Columbus, Ohio bar, an advertising agent looks older than his 27 years. “Yes, of course, I’m lucky to have a job,” he sighs into his Budweiser. “But that doesn’t change the fact that my job fucking sucks. It’s better than no job — I get it. But come on. I’m not a character from a Bruce Springsteen song. I didn’t knock up my high school girlfriend and drop out to work at the mill. I was smart, I was careful, I did well. There was supposed to be something better for me than shoveling shit for a funeral procession of faceless corporations.”

Throughout the country, phone monkeys, cubicle jockeys and data drones are feeling the pinch.

Outside a Manhattan talent agency, a 29 year old woman scarfing a protein bar and smoking a cigarette said work as a “floater” — an intern paid less than minimum wage to be yelled at by premature ejaculators — was, “Harrowing. But who can I talk to? My parents? My unemployed friends? Everyone says the same thing: ‘At least you’re getting paid.’ It’s like, ‘Yeah, I’m getting paid. I sold myself for $24,000 a year before taxes and no health care. Great.’”

Much has been written about the so-called “lost generation” of millenials who cannot find work. Ignored, however, is the immediately preceding group, whose career paths have narrowed to a dental floss bridge across a bottomless chasm, a slice of late Gen X-ers stuck in jobs they never wanted that might be dubbed the “super bored generation.”

This group offers a litany of complaints, endemic to office life, perhaps, but aggravating nonetheless, including:

  • “Whose fucking cell phone is that?”
  • “He’s microwaving fish again.”
  • “The smelly woman has a deadline so she’s extra smelly.”
  • “Literally no one has any idea how to do anything.”

“We have a morbidly obese secretary who takes some kind of jazzercise class and likes to practice her routine at the office,” said a Durham, North Carolina man who identified himself only as ‘a third-year.’ “She looks happy and I’m glad she’s exercising. But there’s a lot of bending over.” He shakes his head. “Things here aren’t just bad. They’re weird bad.”

Many in this group believe that they are one big idea away from a better life, but plans seem more hopeful than realistic.

“I’m going to find a way out of here,” says a 31 year old San Francisco attorney. “I don’t know how, exactly. But I think it will involve Twitter.”

September 9, 2012
Arctic Ice Shatters Melt Record, Denies Doping Allegations

The rate at which Arctic ice melted this summer shattered all previous records. Amid the accolades for its historic performance, the Arctic ice has been forced to contend with allegations that it used performance enhancing substances to achieve its results.

Chief among the skeptics is Dr. Ernest J. Messerschmidt, a professor of climatology at the Patriot University College Institute in Virginia Beach, Virginia. Dr. Messerschmidt has a well-earned earned reputation as an outspoken critic of mainstream geology, ecology, biology and climatology, having lambasted almost every interview, lecture and scientific paper written in all of those fields in the past 10 years.

“It’s obvious, if anyone bothered to even scratch the surface of these so-called ‘record’ melt times — which they don’t — that what you have is a bunch of ice formations that want attention, plain and simple,” Messerschmidt explains, his cardigan unbuttoned with the sleeves pushed up, leaning into his black coffee with five sugars, struggling not to drip on his “Branson, Missouri — Good Clean Folks Having Good Clean Fun!” t-shirt.

Dr. Messerschmidt received his doctorate of divinity from Duke University in 1981.

“These are geologicological formations that have been totally ignored for thousands of years, and are now suddenly the darling of every pHd with a hacky-sack and a parka. There is mounting pressure on these ice floes to melt faster and faster, and it’s impossible to keep up. The solution is simple: doping.”

Charges of doping by Arctic ice are not new. Dr. Messerschmidt has been making them for almost a decade.

In a phone interview, the ice spoke with anger and defiance about the allegations. “How do I do it? I’m out in that sun, every damn day, doing the work, melting. That’s how! Any [expletive] ignorant [expletive] wanna-be [expletive]ing [expletive] who doesn’t believe that is welcome to come up here and check my water. Come and get it — there’s literally gallons. All you’ll find is slight variations due to changes in the atmospheric carbon dioxide content over the millenia. But that is totally natural.”

So far, Messerschmidt has declined such invitations to test glacial water for evidence of doping, on the grounds that his funding from Patriot University College Institute consists solely of a media budget.

The Arctic ice, meanwhile, vows to continue doing what it does best: melting. “I’m proud of my record, and I stand by it, and I plan on breaking it. So look out.”

September 9, 2012
Yo, If They’re Lettin’ Guns in Dorms, I Am NOT Wearing a Condom, Man; No, Way

     By Chet Barker, UC Boulder Class of 2024

So I just started at University of Colorado Boulder and I guess they’re finally letting kids bring guns in the dorms now? Which at first, we were like, this is craaaaa, but I guess it’s a thing, so, I thought about it, man, and I’m sayin’, if they’re gonna let kids have guns, then I am not wearing a condom, like, no chance.

We had orientation and they were like, “Oh, practice safe sex, wear a condom, because you could get AIDS,” or whatever. So someone raised a hand and was like, “How long does that take before you die?” And the Dean or whoever said it’s like, 10 years, but they have pills now so maybe longer, so then someone else is like, “Well, why would I care about that if I could get shot in my room tonight? Like, I could wear three condoms and be, like, the Smokey the Bear of wearing condoms and then someone just shoots me because they’re drunk or whatever and I’m still dead. So maybe before I die I’d like to have sex without a gooey plastic bag on my penis.” And we lost it, man — people were like, “Yeah! No condoms!” The place went nuts.

Ok, I’m out. I’m headed to this girl’s place I met at a freshman thing. It’s weird because we barely talked but I got her number and she said I could come over because there’re these weird kids on my hall, like one has a confederate flag and a .357 and he keeps screaming about his dad. And this other guy is a math major, I think, and everytime I walk by his room he’s crying and hitting his head with a Glock and listening to Mozart or something. So I texted this girl and was like, “Hey, things are kind of scary here, can I chill at your place?” And she said, “ok.” Dude, best excuse to invite yourself over, ever.

I’m tellin’ you — this gun thing could work out.

September 9, 2012
A Summer of Pride for the U.S.A.

     By Errol Hefflefeffer, syndicated from The Steubenville Standard

This summer’s events have showcased America’s greatness and competitive spirit.

I refer, of course, to the shootings at Aurora, Colorado, Oak Creek, Wisconsin, Texas A&M, the Family Research Council in Washington D.C. and a New Jersey grocery store. These summer shooters have reminded the world that no one can terrorize Americans as effectively as we can terrorize ourselves.

If American citizens are going to be terrorized, then they must be terrorized by other American citizens. Violence by delusional, paranoid schizophrenics is an important American industry with a long and proud tradition.

That is why we must continue our fight against foreign terrorists, while we continue to arm and support domestic, American terrorists.

It is popular to say that America doesn’t make anything anymore, but that is untrue. America makes mass murderers who terrorize their fellow Americans with inexpensive, readily available, semi-automatic firearms. And if we want it to stay that way, then we need to defend their jobs.

Some in the chattering classes would shamelessly exploit the tragic summer shootings to enact gun control legislation. These drooling extremists fail to understand that such laws would cripple the ability of American terrorists to compete in the global terrorism marketplace. And I’ll be damned if a bunch of smelly foreigners are going to come over here and take jobs away from hard working, American terrorists.

In the days and weeks following the summer shootings, I have been heartened to see Americans come together and devise a uniquely American response to these tragedies, namely, to do nothing about them. These shootings have forced all of us – whether Democrat, Republican, Independent, or not even pretending to care – to focus on what we have in common, which is a deep, abiding laziness that has seen us through good times and bad.

Protecting the ease with which insane Americans can procure firearms will assure that the next time we turn on the news and see a mass murderer staring vacantly like a bug-eyed zombie, the caption will read: “MADE IN THE U.S.A.”

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